I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
