I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
