just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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