My cat gives me a boner
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
