Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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