dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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