The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
