she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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