That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
