I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
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Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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