Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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