Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
