if i died would you start the facebook group?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
