just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
