Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
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Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
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I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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