I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
