My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
