my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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