upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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