I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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