i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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