She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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