Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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