just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
