She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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