areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
