In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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