where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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