You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
