just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
