There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
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Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.