i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.