you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
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i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
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if i bang your brother are we still cool?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously