i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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