that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Less talking, more tequila
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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