Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
