I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
