Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
