Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
