Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
