Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
