just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
