So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize