i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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