I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
