he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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