This dress was meant to end up on your floor
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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