its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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