every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
