just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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