I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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