i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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