babies were throwing up all over the place
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
