My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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