I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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