once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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