bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?