I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
