forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
