i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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