Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
