If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
